12-11-18

12-11-18

Well, today has really sucked so far. I was up all night with tooth that was abccessed and I was in aweful pain. I went to the dentist and had it cut out. Meanwhile the staff here is busy trying to make me as miserable as possible. They found out that I got on the computer this morning (which I did to tell my friends that I couldn't talk to them any more) I need to do a few things and so I did. Well, they had a fit I was bucking their little fiefdom! Oh fucking well. I gues people like john and the rest like the feeling of lording over those that are hurting curring favor with those that they like and fucking the rest. Examples are Ryan who ratted on me for cleaning the computer. He likes to get high every day. As a reward for hurting me he was given his own one man room. Then Jimmy the alcoholic who was caught with an empty bottle of narcotics and beer cans in his room, and goes off with Dexter everyday and drinks, he was moved to a room with no one there. He got caught when I got caught but he just got a slap on the wrist and is now rewarded with a room by himself while I have to have a roomate and was given the maximum penalty for my actions (taking a bottle of lyrica that was going to be disposed of as I now get a high dosage).

I just told them that I am going to go lay down. I know that when john gets here he will come to try to make things just a little harder on me. I know this already.

Well John cam and left. Nothing happened. Yet. But now Coach "Ronald" is being aloof I guess he acted like he was angery. I said hi and he didn't say anything then I was in the kitchen making a cup of tea and he was looking everywhere but at me. I gotta say that hurts my feelings. I considered him a friend.

I almost fucked up and told a known tattel-tail that I was considering ending it... But I didn't. I really don't want to be locked up with a buch of pysch patients.

I decided last night, as I was going to sleep that I was being mean and unhelpful discrediting other religions. If I do that I will just be hurting people who are lost/trapped in their belief systems. It serves no purpose because under my paradigm there are no consequences there is no reward system. so if I take awaay thier beliefs I leave them with nothing (but the truth).

SO if I don't kill myself here in the next few days (or even today) then I'll go ahead and sritw about what I believe to be true. It's not enough to make a book unfortunately, maybe a website though. Anyway I'll write it down here on this computer so it will have a chance of surviving me.

Since I have to dream up a short title I'll make it The Nature Of Existance.....

What I think is about to happen is John is going to use the "random" UAs to kick me out by testing me and saying I'm hot for siboxone. Then I would guess that he is going to play it like I am damaging someones recovery by taking the siboxone and so he will kick me out on the spot. If he is feeling generous he will give me a 30 day notice. But, I really doubt it, as he knows that in 30 days I'd have what I need namely My dental paid by the va. I'm sure that he is working hard towards making me not attain my goals. I know this in advance because he has moved that drug addict Ryan into his own room and has already promised Brian his own room. He can't give Brian a single at the moment but he can give him a room without a roomate which is nearly as good. Also he will be further motovated to give brian a room after Brian goes to him yet again about his arrangements here. Ofcourse he could just move me to say Jimmy's room. He could do that but that is against his nature which is to hold grudges and behave in petty ways.

Course Brian is trying to make life hard on me too by cranking the heat up and sleeping without blankets unlike a normal person.