12-09-18

It's now december. I am on restriction, 8 weeks of being restricted to the facility. I am also getting "random" weekly UAs. I will be hot for siboxone but that's it. Right now I am still hot for weed but that will change. I haven't smoked any in a while. I really need it. I did meet a resource that may help me. If I choose to go on living then I want to go to tennesse. However, I have never had good fortune come my way so I doubt that I'll actually get the help I need. Rather, I think I'll probably either be kicked out with nowhere to go or I'll be given a 30 day notice.... I don't know what for yet but There always seems to be something/someone that thwarts my happiness. It's like I have to go through hell and suffer in terrible pain the whole time. Well unfortunately, I now know about life after death (I think... rather believe). It is my belief that consciousness extends beyond the body, beyond the realm of matter. I need to plan for my demise. There is one thing, I usually get a bit of advanced warning about bad things that are about to happen to me in the form of de ja vue. I haven't had that yet. Nonetheless I shall go ahead and buy U4888 for like 40 bucks. That will be enough that I can easily OD. From what I've seen of herion ODs they seem to be loving there "high" even though it's killing them. I wish to finish my book before I go, I am even on a dating site. It's my shy way of reaching out. It also, is a big stick I use to beat myself with. The chances of any woman actually showing and interest is me are so vanishingly small that they are not even worth calculating It did make me feel good that two of my ex's asked me to come back! haha! That is never going to happen again. They cheated on me even threw me out over wanting someone else. Now, they are alone and sorry for the way they treated me. There was a time I would have run back especially because I was deeply in love with both of them. I have fallen out of love with them in the year I've been away from WV. Speaking of WV. I hate it! There is not a single thing that I give a fuck about in WV. I hate their whimpy little "cities" and their tiny "moutains" which they think are big. Their highest mountain is 3000 feet below my hometown. The people there are useless mouth breathers. Anyway I'm tired now and this ent\ry is long enough.