12-12-18

12-12-18

SO far today I was left alone by the staff. That may be because there is nothing more for them to take. I have to wait until 5pm for my meds as I won't go to the day shift for anything. I wrote a list of what I want to be sure to express to Laura (John's boss). It comes to one page. I'll not repeat it here as I have ranted all I want to about How I'm being told on and fucked by the staff and to some degree by those that live here. I'm in a great degree of pain today I have an abscess returning on my gum. It's probably because the original abscess was improperly drained. Well not probably, it was as I used my pocket knife to open it up a few weeks ago.

I watched a Linda Moulton Howe video today. It claimed to tell about the alien agenda but as it turns out was just a sales pitch for one of LMH's books. I should think that after 30 years and several books she would have made enough money. Ah well it's my mistake to assume that people have good or altruistic intentions. By and large they really don't and I would be right more often to start with the assumption that people no matter what they seem like are actually selfish, greedy, and evil. Once I get back on my feet and get the hell out of here I promise to start trying to see the good in the world again. I guess if I were to look for a bright spot. Today so far I haven't been focused on killing myself. It's not much but at least it is something...

I went to the grocery store today and spent way too much. But It made me happy. I also go my Xtra-pc PC reviver... I so want to try it out on one of these broken laptops but they are not mine so I have to wait. I try to find little things that give me pleasure. I really enjoy a cup of coffee and a cigarette in the morning. I Bought myself some concord grape soda and I really enjoyed a bottle of it. I know it's not much to others it might even appear trite but for me it is a start. Oh I also signed the "sliding-scale" billing forms at the dentists. this means that they will work with me and I think I can get all my top teeth pulled and get a good denture. I am so dreading having to wear a denture but I have no choice and I will look so much better with teeth. This also means that I no longer need to be here. I can leave. All I lack now is money. So I will have to weigh the cost of staying here against the possible gains.

Staying here saves me money. maybe 600-800/month. I spent too much this month I bought all sorts of stuff I spent 300 on food alone. I also spent atleast that much on siboxone. I also spent 300 upgrading my computer. so that was 900 I have around 100 left so I have 200 I cannot account for I probably went for coffee cigarettes and junk food. well I spent 79 on pants and a belt and bought 100 on DVDs and earphones so I have 100 left and I want to spend it on getting wifi. Without wifi I cannot stay here. With it I can stay and be comfortable enough that I can afford to wait on the apartment I want. i have to save the money up to get a deposit and first months rent and then the deposits and such for my utilities and cable. Just buying the furniture alone will be a thousand.

I'm going to have to think long and hard about this. Right now I've been taking it day by day just trying not to commit suicide. I don't think I can take too much more. I'm fragile right now and I'm afraid of what I might do if I get hurt any more. But, today I didn't wish and fantasize about dying. That's a start.