12-1018

Dec 10th

Well, there is good and very bad today. I Got my birth certificate. I delivered my bank statements and BC to the places it was needed. I also, got an ID. I still need to check if I can get a drivers liscense. I keep trying to help and getting fucked for doing so. Today the only working computer was coming off and on. The reason, it was overheating due to poor maintence. So I took the cover off and cleaned it out for this I was writen up. The director (from now on I'll just call the asshat John) tried to get me to sign a document that stated that I would only be allowed to use the computer under supervision. This is effectively, never. John knows how much I depend on the computer and he is doing this delibrately to hurt me. As if I don't hurt enough!!! I refused to sign the document and will talk to laura about it. Meanwhile, I have been calling and calling that veterans ministry that said they would help me. They have not answered their phone. They promised to help me get to TN and to get a place to live. I talked to Munrow for hours as we rode to TN and back. I even told him that I was seriously considering ending my life because I'm here. He acted like and talked like he understood and then he quit answering his phone. So I have no hope.... I have to buy the research chemical I need tonight while I am still in the grey area as far as using the computer goes. I every day make sure an aging vet here has something to eat and today since I had not seen him come out of his room in days. I spent a couple hours with him watching DvDs. I also, used the grill and made grilled burgers and fries for everyone. I will after I write this, go and take care of whatever chore I have today. Then, I'm going to bed. When the next bad thing comes and I have the RC I ordered I'll use it to OD. I've had enough of this childish nonsense I'd rather die then stay here. And it's because of John making my life miserable. I really hope that one day that evil moron gets fired and replaced by a more empathetic director. Oh and I met another girl online. It's really not worth mentioning as she hasn't passed my test. She is one of those women that just pops on and then starts calling me honey etc. I know. If she doesn't pass the test then she's not real. I know this but for a second it was nice to have hope. Hope that someone actually wanted me. They don't they NEVER will. Hell I've been on face book for 7 or more years now and never has even one of the probably hundreds of women that have chatted with me been real. And the last time that I got involved with a FB woman it hurt me deeply just because I didn't enforce the rules. Oh what are the rules? well you have to have an actual timeline for 1 then you have to tell me your address and give me your phone number so I can call you right away. To be fair I will provide my address and phone number from the start just to show that I am who I say I am. Not a single one of all those women that have chatted with me, have they ever been willing to do those two simple things. What it should do is piss-me-off but instead I internalize that shit. I look at it as a pretty woman thinks that I'll fall all over myself if she just types something complementary to me. Usually I catch on from the start since I will go look at her profile and see if she really posts stuff and I'll also look at her friends list if it is filled with old ugly guys like me then there's a problem.

I guess it's high time that I grew up and accepted the facts. There is not a single woman out there that will ever want me. I tried on POF (Plenty Of Fish) I did the questionairs, I looked at all the women and sent out maybe 12 chat requests. I also tried just today to send two requests and was told that the person only accepts requests from certain people (and apparently I'm not one of them). Even that kind of rejection hurts especiallty if the woman I am trying to chat with shares many of the same interests that I do. I think Wow! what a great fit only to be rejected she won't even read my request. Out of 12 requests I got no reply. And yet I still want to try. I need to stop trying and resign myself to having a life alone.

I have been offered a place to stay with a couple that I know. I have helped them and they (well actually he/Duane) never did what he said he would. He still wants me to come stay with him and his Girlfriend. I don't want to do that because I know that it would end up with me paying all the bills and having ot scrounge for food and stuff. I don't want that. I also have a problem in that I'm attracted to Ethel (his girlfriend) and I think if i lived with them I might have a chance. Once again I'm decieving myself. I do not have a chance. Ethel has made it very clear that she loves Duane. She has even said that she took advantage of older men in the past. SO at best I could expect to be manipulated by her. She will never want me if she did she would have made it clear on one of the occasions that we shared time alone. A woman decides if she wnats you usually within the first 5 minutes. If she wants you she knows. And that hurts too because she rejected me. But I've been down this road before, many times in fact it is about the only way that I have ever even managed to have a girlfriend at all was buy having something that she wanted (money a place to live or something). As I reflect back that has been the case with my last 3 girlfriends. Each has taken me used me and eventually left me. What I told myself was that the power relationship was just wrong but that is BS and I know it. The deal is I bought them for a short time until they could get on their feet and then they left me for some dumbass that can't even help them. That "dumbass" was better looking then me and the critical difference was that he didn't have to give them anything like I did. They chose that guy in some cases they even did it right infront of me.

I have been devastated by these "love" affairs. They are the single greatest reason for my problems. Wanting those girls has led me down many a dark path and emptied my pockets more times then I can count. If I am to survive it has to stop. I make enopugh to support myself ok not well but OK. I enjoy reading, and listening to books, I like to smoke weed and eat or play a game or watch a show.

So, now that i've identified the problem what am I going to do about it?

1. Stop sending friend requests to new woman just based on their looks

2. No matter how good the girl looks or how much you can relate to her Don't send a friend request

3. If She sends you a request out of the blue Don't accept it!

4. If I meet a girl on the street and she needs help either just give her some cash or just ignore her plight. Don't offer her a place to stay.

5. Drop POF. It doesn't help you find anyone all it does is allows you to feel rejected over and over again. It's sick so stop it!

6. And finally Drop ties with your Exe's. Yes you loved them with all your heart in the past but they just used you and hurt you so why in the world are you still friends with them? Stop that crazy shit. I know they break up with Fabio again and then invite you back and you have come back before. How'd that work out? The idea here is to avoid thing's that hurt you.

If I can find a way to stay here long enough to find a place and get my health in shape I can make a life of sorts for myself. yes it will be lonely at times but hurting yourself over and over again doesn't help you and your life is just as lonely after you have tried and got rejected again so why not just stop the behavior that is causing the pain? Maybe find the things that you enjoy and just concentrate on getting and doing those things.

I know I'm going to be sad for a moment as I try to accept this that's ok just as long as I get up tomarrow and move towards my goals.